Consequence
by hybred
Summary: So what is the consequence of romancing Kaidan during the Battle of the Citadel then moving onto Thane in the fight against the Collectors? A stupidly hilarious situation. Rated M for Jack's only line- can be avoided-also slightly suggestive conversation


_The Consequence_

**Author's note**: okay, so lame title is lame. Sorry about that! I came across this thread on BSN where... I can't remember exactly what it was about now but somehow the conversation got veered onto "wouldn't it be great if Kaidan confronts Thane about Shepard, and then Thane does that memory thing to get Kaidan to back off?" and... that's pretty much where the idea for this fanfic came from.

I wish I could find that topic now to give whoever it was the proper credit they're due, but there are so many topics and posts that I just don't have time to look for it. This was started over a month ago and only finished today due to laziness.

And this is just silliness, so I'm sorry for any obvious OOC-ness involved. I tried as much as I could to keep everyone in character... but it's hard because I don't picture Thane and Kaidan to be the type of people who would yell and fight over Shepard...

So this is sometime in Mass Effect 3 (so Kaidan's a spectre or whatever), everyone's on board the Normandy and this is one of the "dire consequences" for pursuing a relationship with Thane in ME2, after you'd already been with Kaidan in ME1.

Also, rating this M because of one line by Jack (that I could have avoided but decided not to). That girl has a mouth on her. If it bothers you then when Jack appears just ignore it when she starts speaking, she only has the one line!

* * *

><p>"I think things are getting heated in the cargo bay between Alenko and Krios. Maybe you wanna take a look?"<p>

Gripping the edge of the pilot's seat, Shepard bit her lower lip. She knew this day had been coming. She had dreaded it, wished desperately that it just would not happen. Thane and Kaidan were relatively calm people - she had really hoped they would just be civil about the whole thing.

But something scratched at the back of her mind, this small niggling feeling that it would not be okay. Thane and Kaidan _would_ have an issue; they would not be civil. It was human-nature after all... er... sapient-nature? Well, _whatever,_ the differences between humans and aliens seemed to only be physical as far as she could tell. Mostly.

"Commander?" Joker's voice crashed her train of thought harder than the Mako crashing into a thresher maw. She tilted her head and forced a grin at the pilot, before pushing off the seat and locking a stray hair behind her ear.

"Yes. Cargo. Right."

Straightening her clothes she turned swiftly, making her way out of the cockpit and straight toward the elevator.

"Is the Commander feeling alright?" EDI's hollow voice echoed in the cockpit.

Joker sniggered. "Yeah. No. Not now. But she will be. Can we switch to auto-pilot for a bit?"

He rose from his seat, limping quickly after the commanding officer.

"I fail to understand what the issue is. Shepard has broken up many confrontations before without such an elevated heart-rate-"

"Did you know the two Spectres were once in a relationship?"

"I am aware of that... speculation. Cerberus made note of it in the Commander's files-" EDI said but the pilot cut her off with a wave of his hand.

"And hasn't she been spending a lot of time with Thane lately?"

There was silence, and Joker took this to mean that the AI was considering-processing (she- _it_ was still a computer, he reminded himself) this new bit of information. He exit the cockpit and continued on into the CIC.

"So does that mean-?"

"Shh-Shh-Shh!" he cut the AI off again. "Just watch. Commander, hold the door!"

Shepard stared blankly at the pilot who was limping slowly toward the elevator. _Great_, she thought, as he waved happily at her - she knew he was coming down to watch the show; he had absolutely no interest in going downstairs. She wasn't an idiot. She should have slammed the elevator in his face just to spite him.

And yet, as her hand wavered over the close button, she couldn't bring herself to do it. Maybe he was really hungry and needed to get a snack. Maybe he really had to go to the bathroom. She couldn't deny a disabled man the bathroom. And why wasn't there a disabled one closer to him anyway? She pushed the open button and instantly regret it.

"Thanks Shepard!" Joker said as he stepped into the elevator and the doors closed with a whoosh behind him. The morose grin on his face was making her extremely uncomfortable, and the more she thought about it, the more she realised that she had never seen Joker go to the bathroom. Not once.

Where the hell had the pilot been going all this time?

She pushed the third and fifth level buttons, hoping he would get the hint. But he didn't even acknowledge it.

The silence would have been uncomfortable, if it were actually silent. The happy elevator music played on without a care in the world, and Joker hummed along to it making the situation feel even more awkward. She suddenly wished it was silent.

"So Commander..."

Maybe she should stop wishing for things.

"How are you going to handle the situation?"

She cast him a sideways glance. She had no freaking idea.

"I guess I'll just see how it's playing out and go from there." She really hoped he couldn't hear the nervousness in her voice.

"Ah, the standard _go-in-without-a-plan_ approach."

She had never been happier than when the elevator dinged at level three.

Except when she saw Legion and Mordin on the other side of the doors, wheeling who knows what into the elevator. And Grunt standing impatiently behind them, holding onto some sort of krogan snack from the kitchen.

"Shepard! Sorry. Helping Tali with project. Be out of your way soon."

She nodded, stepping to the side of the elevator and flattening herself against the wall so they could fit the giant trolley (and the krogan) in.

"Joker isn't this your-?"

The elevator doors closed shut and the pilot quickly hid his hands which were in front of the button panel moments before.

"Gee, would you look at that? I missed it. Oh well."

She frowned.

Again the cheery elevator music was like a bee caught in her ear, fully intent on stinging her. Mordin and Legion were discussing something about AI that was completely going over her head while Grunt looked incredibly uncomfortable in this confined space. At least this was somewhat distracting from the encounter she was about to have.

As the elevator doors slid open on the engineering deck, Shepard felt her heart sink even further when she saw Jack standing there, and none of the other occupants made an attempt to leave.

"The fuck does Tali need me for if she's got the rest of you cunts helping her down there?"

Shepard was at a loss for words, what the hell was going on in the cargo bay that she didn't know about? There had to be some regulations about working down there while they were in flight. This was her ship, why didn't she know what her crew was doing in the cargo bay with Thane and Kaidan-

Jack groaned and began squeezing herself into the confined space when something snapped in Shepard's brain.

"No!" she snapped, causing Jack to freeze in place. "Out. Everybody. Now."

"But Shepard-"

"I don't care! Get out!" She pushed against the trolley, forcing Mordin, Grunt and Legion from the elevator, and effectively blocking Jack from getting in. Joker's hands waved over the panel once more but the Commander slammed her own on the edge of the door, preventing it from performing the task Joker had been trying to assign it.

"...Commander?" he said, somewhat weakly.

"_Especially you_," she sneered, eyes now slits as she glared the pilot down. It took no more than two seconds for him to evacuate.

The group had never seen their commanding officer so angry or stressed out before, so it wasn't until the elevator doors shut that it was deemed safe to talk.

"What's her problem?" a bewildered Jack asked.

Joker pressed his nose against the glass, grinning when he saw the target Shepard had been after. He pointed expectantly at them.

"Just watch this. I can guarantee it'll be better than anything you can find on the extranet."

The four of them exchanged glances before following the pilot's lead and staring into the cargo bay.

Shepard took the deepest breath she had ever taken in her life just as she arrived in the cargo bay and, clenching her fists, strode out of the elevator with her head held high.

Tali, Zaeed and Jacob were surrounding a pile of useless looking scraps and Shepard swore she saw Kasumi just a second earlier but the thief was now nowhere to be seen. Tali scrambled in front of the pile and threw her arms as if trying to block it from the commander's view.

"Shepard, we were just-"

"Out!" the Commander barked and the trio looked at her, stunned. "Am I speaking an unknown language? Get. Out."

They ran quickly for the elevator (except Zaeed, who wandered off slowly muttering something about that goddamned time of the month) "And that includes any cloaked gossips!" she snapped and Kasumi appeared before her, a frown plastered on her face.

"You're no fun, Shep!" she said, ignoring the deep scowl forming on Shepard's lips. Kasumi sighed at her non-response and trudged after the others.

Shepard turned to the back of the cargo bay, her eyes falling on the pair she had come down to see. Standing near the Hammerhead, Kaidan and Thane were staring each other down, biotics flaring lightly at their fingertips. She hoped they had enough sense not to actually use them.

Garrus stood between them, trying his best to diffuse the situation (_or encourage it_, Shepard thought bitterly. Knowing the turian, encouraging was much more likely) and when she grabbed his arm to move him out of the way he jumped.

"Shepard! Don't do that! Can't you see I'm trying to…?" he trailed off, looking the commander up and down. Her eyes were unfocused, her breath short and tense. With his heightened (compared to humans) senses he could smell the nervous sweat dripping down her body, and the look on her face was something he had never seen on her before. He had seen other humans with that look before, and if he could remember correctly it was… Was Shepard scared?

"Commander, are you alright? Do you need any help…?"

"Don't you have some calibrations to do?" she asked, her voice sounding like the commanding officer he had come to respect, but not matching the worried facial expression. Garrus could hear the tiny waver in her voice and was about to say something when he thought better of it and left. She was about to have more than enough problems to deal with.

Shepard waited until the turian was out of earshot as she attempted her best glare at the two men who had started all this. "Now…" she said slowly, carefully picking the next words she said. "Why are you two disrupting my ship?"

Thane stood up tall, the blue biotic glow disappearing as he moves his hands behind his back. Shepard was oddly reminded of a child misbehaving in class, now sitting up as straight as possible to avoid being caught by his teacher, who is already well aware of his mischief.

"Commander Alenko and I were just having a… discussion. It is nothing to worry about, siha."

"There! There it is again! Shepard, all I was asking was for Krios to be a little more considerate!" Kaidan snapped, his own biotics still glaring angrily. "It's already hard enough being signed onto your ship given our past…"

"And that is where your feelings should stay, Alenko. In the past." Thane retorted uncharacteristically. Shepard rubbed her forehead in exasperation, why had the drell picked now to get so defensive?

"Look, I'm sorry I didn't tell either of you sooner but there are more important-"

"I don't have the picture perfect memory you do, Krios!" Kaidan cut her off. "I can't live in the past like you! I am trying to move on-"

"That hardly seems the case," Thane said calmly, though the anger in his voice was still present. "If you were moving forward you would not get so riled up about my current relationship with the Commander-"

"It is extremely hard when-"

Dumbstruck, Shepard stared at the pair as their argument continued on. They were ignoring her. _Ignoring her!_ She was their Commanding officer, who in the galaxy did they think they were?

"Would you two-"

"You will never have what we had!" Kaidan yelled suddenly, "She's only with you now because you're dying!"

Shepard froze, her eyes falling to her fellow spectre in disbelief. If it was tense before than she had no idea what to call the horrible feeling that had descended on the room now. She looked to Thane, his lips pressed into a tight frown, and caught him clenching his fists. She moved to grab his hand, wanting to make it clear to Kaidan that that was a low blow, but Thane threw them up in frustration and pointed angrily at the other biotic.

"You think we will never have what you had? I think you are mistaken, Alenko. Let me tell you what we have…"

Scarcely seeing it, Shepard can recognise one of Thane's memory relapses in a heartbeat these days. His dark eyes dilate and glaze over, his skin turned slightly paler, and he is lost in a trance that just she can't get him out of. What is he trying to prove by remembering… _wait, what is he remembering? _

_"Lips upturned in a seductive smile, I approach her as my heart beat increases. She slips off her top to reveal flawless, milk-white skin which blushes as my lips meet her neck…" _

Shepard's face turned a hot, embarrassing red. Thane began to divulge their sexual conquests in explicit detail and Kaidan can only stare with his mouth agape in shock.

Thane went on to describe the preparations they made, the foreplay, the stupid names she cried out, the different positions they explore, even his and her own groans and moans seem to escape the drell's lips as he recalls the various pleasures they experience during this sacred act of…

Well it hardly felt sacred anymore, not with Thane telling it to Kaidan like it was perfectly normal and not at all inappropriate.

Shepard wanted to look at the other man, to see his reaction to this overly informative tale but she couldn't bring herself to meet his eyes. She didn't even know if she'd be able to speak to him ever again, even if it was related to work.

And then Thane started going on about her hallucinations! A lot of the time she would lose her mind and while it always enhanced the experience Shepard never really remembered what… _Oh god… this is more embarrassing than… wait I said what? What did I do? Oh no… please… just stop… _

She cringed as Thane took his last breath, his eyes returning to normal and he looked over to Kaidan with a smug grin on his face. The spectre was still unable to open his mouth and Thane looked over to Shepard in victory and-

"Siha?" he frowned, taking a step toward her, then a horrified look of apologetic realisation hit his face. At this point Kaidan seemed to notice how pale she had gotten and he is able to find his voice again.

"Shepard, are you okay?"

Her eyes drifted from one man to the other, her throat dry and her mind numb. What were they expecting from her? What was she supposed to say? She just wanted to crawl into a hole and die.

Taking a step away from them, she searched her mind desperately for something to say, _anything_to keep them at bay while she raced toward the elevator without a second glance. But there is only one thing that is clear when it reaches her thoughts; it is the only thing that comes out coherently even as it comes stumbling from her mouth.

"…I should go!"

—

_EPILOGUE _

Samara left the observation deck, curious to find out exactly what all this sudden commotion was occurring right outside her room. Crew members were floundering about left, right and centre like a bunch of lost hanar who are taking their first steps out of water.

The only person she can find who is acting relatively normal is Miranda, who is sitting in the kitchen drinking from a very large mug - and this signifies to the Justicar that there is something odd because why would she not be in a panic like everyone else?

"Miranda," the asari asked casually, taking a seat beside the woman. "Would you care to enlighten me as to why everyone is acting so… strangely?"

Taking a sip from her mug, Miranda nodded professionally at the alien.

"Of course. There has been a… _situation_ in the cargo bay. Shepard is on a rampage."

Samara stared blankly at her. "The cargo bay?" she asked, "Isn't that where you sent Tali? You asked her to get the crew and clean it up as a surprise for the Commander."

"Indeed," Miranda said, this time unable to suppress the small smirk tugging at her lips. "And it seems like she found out about it earlier than we would have liked. Thane and Kaidan got into an argument and ruined the whole thing."

Samara is bemused. "Thane and Kaidan… goddess, Miranda, this wasn't your plan all along, was it?"

"To force Shepard to confront the one thing that's been bothering her and disrupt the whole ship in the process? Samara, do you really think _I_ would be responsible for all this?"

The asari frowned at her, staring at the ludicrous smirk now covering the former Cerberus operative's face. "Normally no, but you're not doing a very good job of hiding it."

Miranda shrugged, rising from the table and headed for her quarters. She never did get back at Shepard for calling her a bitch after bringing her back to life. And this felt like the perfect way to finally tie up that loose end.


End file.
